You can't direct a pastiche without adding a few humorous nods to the elements you're using. Otherwise it simply comes off as painfully cliché, overdone crap. I agree with the "most helpful" review, in that it definitely feels like a student film. In fact, that was my very first critical thought. I was somewhere around the half hour mark, and said to myself, "This is like a bad student film."
None of the actors stood out, nor were they bad enough to be funny/ made fun of. For instance: Jeremy Irons in Dungeons and Dragons? That is gloriously bad ham acting, so bad that it actually makes the loop back to good, because it's just so damn funny at times. The villain could have taken some notes from Irons' performance there- or indeed, ANY time that Irons has played a villain- because he never hit that over-the-top stride that should be seen in both the 80's horror and pastiche genre.
This film either needed to take itself much more or much less seriously.